My Shitty Trailer
Hell. Fucking Freezing.
Briar's Journal 2017 - 2018
Following are a one-sided account of a few of the events that have happened since Briar arrived in Haven.
17th of November 2018
There was so much I didn't remember, and it was a blessing. Ignorance sometimes is like that. I was rebuilt up into something that could cope with everything that happened as a kid, I was given my voice back, and I lived that Briar life for nearly twenty years. I lived a lie, and I am more of a lie now than the truth. What truth is there left? What truth is there in that six year old that was once me? Who am I? How do I find my voice once more? Or will I need to forget?
14th of November 2018
I am all too used to working alone, and finding that there's no one fighting at my side. That the only person I can count on is myself. The only person I trust is myself. Gray is gone, not dead, gone. And there's no coming back from that. There's no amount of screaming, or begging, no amount of magic that will ever make it right. And then, slowly, one by one, the Order has... stepped up into the void that the loss of the Samaritans left. It's not the same, save for Dalton, they are not my family. But I had hope that maybe, just maybe they would one day they might come close.
2nd of November 2018
Yesterday I stumbled, and just for a short while, I let my emotions get out of control. I am not even entirely sure why. That's a lie, I know why; I miss him. And every day without him here, is just that little bit harder to refrain from doing what my heart wants and my head will never allow, and release him. You think getting the chance to say goodbye would make it easier.
In Space Haven, Gray asked me to remember, and while some things might be a blur, I remember you like it was yesterday. Do you remember when I first came to town Gray? I couldn't even say my own name without stuttering. Do you remember the hideous pink trailer, splattered with blood that I called home?
"Gray, Gray Holiday."
"I like you."
"I l-like you too."
"Sometimes, Briar, people are broken."
"You f-feel very solid."
"... wondering when the next plate is going to fall."
"If I can stop some of those plates from falling... but sometimes, got to let those plates fall."
"Another spinning plate, I am sorry."
"It's okay, the p-plate is still s-spinning."
"Your hair is nice. It has personality."
"When you decide to ask the questions, Briar, know that you may not like the answers."
"I like your eyes. And I would l-like to kiss you. May I?"
"It has been... I have not had the choice... No, opportunity... Briar, as much as I want you to kiss me... As much as I want to kiss you again, I think...Let me figure this out before we do this again, please... There are things I have to..."
"It is a-always your ch-choice. You okay? I haven't f-fucked things up have I?"
"I liked it as well."
"If either of us is likely to, eh, mess things up, it will be me. When you ask the questions, Briar, make sure I am the one you are asking. I will not lie to you nor will I save your feelings. Just-- Make sure you are ready for the answers."
"I will come to you."
"Thank you, for everything."
30th of October 2018
Define Kári: Old Norse variant form of Kárr.
1) Old Norse kárr = 'curly (hair)'
2) Old Norse kari = 'wind', 'gust', 'squall'
29th of October 2018
Every time I close my eyes, I can see them coming for me, the disappointment in their eyes. Jack, Gray, and Arvin, their weapons ready. I'm not entirely sure what Nova was doing, but she was there.
Every time I close my eyes, I can see every single reap, the horror in their eyes. The power I felt when their life bleed onto my boots.
It can't come to that, it just can't. I will find a way. We will defeat Et-Aral.
28th of October 2018
"I don't fucking know. I don't know how to get the images out of my head. I don't know how to -be- after that. I don't know who I am anymore. And I don't know what you are to me, that we keep ending up like this."
18th of October 2018
"I have seen into the eyes of God and they were filled with fury. A wolf prowls among the shepard's flock, eyes of blue and hair of gold. Wrath shall fall on their city and the false herald shall fall. I have seen into the eyes of God and they were filled with Fury."
~ Austin Holiday, 7th of June, 2018.
17th of October 2018
Nearly a year ago, he broke his Venetian Oath to me, and I was powerless to do anything about it. I left it in the hands of someone I trusted, Alexander, and he was killed for it. So I swore that I would not make another Venetian Oath until he was brought to account for what he did. And a week ago he did pay, and a couple of days ago I made my first Venetian Oath since.
I am not sure his death was quite as satisfying as I had thought it would be, but I am glad the debt has been paid.
15th of October 2018
"Remember the incense pouch? And -- and the unicorn? And Earth-1? We'll always have that, Bunny. Always."
He was there. He was really there. I had him, just for a few hours. It doesn't hurt any less, losing him again.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
30th of May 2018
Neither of us have seen Fritz since. I think he must have skipped town right after. Can't say I'm not disappointed.
26th of May 2018
We found Fritz, and I wanted to both thump him and hug him at the same time. He will join us, and then we will be three. An artist, an unkept and a liaison. All we need now is a warrior and I have my eye on someone.
20th of May 2018
It's been a year to the day since I first arrived in Haven, and this time I don't arrive alone, but I feel it. They're gone. All of them but a handful. Gray rides in with me, and I can't quite believe he is here, beside me. I keep expecting to turn around and find him gone. So much has happened, things I can't and don't want to speak about. We've both changed so much, can we do this again? Can I forgive him again?
15th of May 2018
YES! Finally, Gray let me dabble, just a little bit. A minor enchantment and it went off without a hitch. We got word through the grape vine that there's a Samaritan in Haven. I'm eager to head off to check it out. There has to be more than just two. Two isn't a family yet. Two isn't a Chapter. I can't have just gained a family only to lose all of them again. There has to be more.
23rd of April 2018
I asked to see Jack and Nova, but they're gone. How could they leave us? Can't they see how much we need them? I just need to see them. Gray busies himself studying Arvin's Grimoire. I peeked but it made no sense to me.
19th of April 2018
I'm weaker than a newborn kitten. And Gray is being annoyingly bossy. Apparently I'm depleted or something, so have to stay away from all things arcane for a month. Annoying. Add to that the ban on cake, and I'm probably the worst patient ever. I believe I chucked the vegetable soup that is supposedly 'nutritious' in his face... he didn't look too happy. But it was pretty funny. And I laughed. And then he laughed and then it got awkward.
14th of April 2018
I'm awake. I'm alive. But I wish I was not. How can they be gone?
Return to Haven
It's been a while, six months to be exact, since the Samaritans closed up their Chapter House in Haven and took to the road, riding from town to town, solving supernatural mysteries and fighting the good fight.
That all changed when, towards the end of March, the Chapter Houses around the world were attacked, wiping out all but a small handful of Samaritans, Briar among them. Struggling with survivors guilt, she's left scrambling to pick up the pieces, and still be an effective force for good.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
24th of June 2017
Haven't updated this in over a week. I think things were going a bit better. Unexpected things happened. And things had changed, for the better. I've been with the MC for a month now. But it's still another 2 months to go, and with things as they are, it just feels so far away. I fear, waiting so long, I'll lose him.
15th of June 2017
It is funny how just one touch can bring everything back. But at least this time I did not make a fool of myself, even with Martin taunting, as he has been tending to do of late. It's starting to get easier to drown him out.
10th of June 2017
7th of June 2017
Finally got a book all of my own, and it sort of makes sense. And I can see where I fit into things, almost. Like I know that somewhere in all these pages I'm there. Just got to figure it out. But at least I can now.
6th of June 2017
Without some sort of starting point, it is hard to find context within the multitudes of books that line the shelves in the library. Half the time they seem to contradict each other, or I'm having to cross reference every third word just to have it make some kind of vague sense. And then, there are the books that are literally in some other language. I feel like I'm missing something.
5th of June 2017
The flying didn't last long.
4th of June 2017
Something weird happened today. And I don't mean the whole trip off world to rescue one of our own, after he got kidnapped. Nor do I mean any of the dozens of strange beasts we encountered in trying to retrieve him. But something seemed to ... click? And even if I knew fuck all about anything, my body seemed to. Like instinct. I fell out of the nest, and instead of plummeting towards the ground, my wings carried me. I flew. Flying is better than drowning.
3rd of June 2017
Had a guy come over and check out the remains of my car. Turns out it's not fixable, and at best can be salvaged for parts. Was able to talk him into a discount off a bike. So now I have one of those. Which I apparently need, that and tattoos. Both sound painful. Belle enlightened me with the things that Gray told her. Just.. wasn't enough. Still need to know more. But I don't know how, or who to ask.
Feel out of my depth. Drowning.
2nd of June 2017
Seems that Vakhtang is the only one interested in providing me with any answers, and even then I get the feeling I'm just scratching the surface. I find myself jealous that Gray took the time to give the answers to Belle I've been asking him for, and he's been avoiding telling me for a while. Not that it is her fault. Just... impatient. At least with this. I feel like I've been waiting my whole life.
31st of May 2017
I am not crazy. And while there is some small relief in that, somehow, that doesn't provide me with too much comfort when I'm trying to sleep and there's a creepy old guy sitting at my desk and half his head blown off. Also, I have joined a motorcycle club. Sort of. I'm not an official member, just in training.
30th of May 2017
So, Martin's car is totalled. First, while I'm delivering some weed to a guy in the Antlers, some bitch decides to key my car, and then knock out a headlight. And then later, after I park it, brakes come off and it runs down the hill behind the lodge and ends up in a fucking tree. And he's been yelling at me about it ever since. Jesus, you think once people were dead, they'd be less concerned with material possessions.
29th of May 2017
It is real. I don't have words. Gray is a jerk. For all the care I took with him, he went to great lengths to hurt me. Figured he was different, I was wrong. He seems to hate me, and detests my company. The unfortunate thing is, I still need to know stuff, and he seems to be the only one with answers. FML.
28th of May 2017
Gray didn't show. Party was pretty fun anyways. Mostly relaxed with Belle and Daniel till they had to go. Then just took photos of people in the pool. Got a third roomie, Belle.
27th of May 2017
Pool party tonight. Gray said he'd be there, so kind of looking forward to seeing him and getting time to just... chill. Think he could use the unwinding.
26th of May 2017
Well, we kissed again. And painted a wall. And kissed some more. Things heated up but we stopped before things got too far. I could see the panic in his eyes and I so badly wanted to figure out why. But it is too soon, I think.
24th of May 2017
I kissed someone. It has been a while. But a year is long enough to wait, right? It was different from Martin. Gentle, cautious. He ran away right after. Worried I did something wrong. I like him though, and I can be patient. Also got two new roomies, Daniel and David.
21st of May 2017
I had hoped that by moving, somehow I would get some closure and it would stop happening. If only I was so lucky. If anything, it is worse. When the blood started trickling down the walls last, I dove under my covers, hiding myself from it. But even that wasn't enough to escape from that strong metallic and musty scent, bordering on rotten flesh. I didn't get a whole lot of sleep, not even GDP was enough.
20th of May 2017
Arrived in Haven this morning, manage to secure one of the last trailers in Westhaven. Seems no body would touch it because of the blood stains on the wall in one of the rooms, but it can't be worse than the shit I've been seeing lately. I thought a change in scenary would help, that I'd stop seeing Him. But, for a brief moment at the Lodge, he was there. Here's to hoping he was saying goodbye. Met a few people today. Got a few leads to some possible sales tomorrow. Need to set things up, divy up some of my existing stock. Lots to do. Plenty to distract me.
Isn't it strange how much a minute can matter? How much it can change your life? One minute, you're a normal girl, studying and Working hard. Wonderful boyfriend. Sparkling engagement ring. Life wasn't perfect, but it wasn't too bad. And now? He's dead. It was an accident, of course. But that didn't stop the accusing way people looked at me after. Or maybe they still look at me the same, it's just my guilt that I see reflected in their eyes. After a year of lethargy after dropping out of college, I had to get out of there. Get him out of my head. If I can just put enough distance between me and Avondale... Maybe. Maybe I can get my life back.