1-27-2013
The Haven Courier
Sunday, January 27th, 2013
HAVEN POLICE AND CRIME REPORTS
- Explosions have been heard across Haven for the past week, the source reported to be led by a group of terrorists known as 'The Servants.' The official word is that the terrorists have gone into hiding and the Haven Sheriff's Department along with special forces teams have been sent out to catch the criminals and put an end to their crime spree. It is rumored that certain members of the organization at The Ruby Lounge may have something to do with it, but that has not been verified. Citizens are still strongly advised to stay within their homes and not consort with these members until allegations are cleared.
- The lion that was seen running through Haven has been caught! It was from a travelling circus, Hell's Circus. After an unfortunate car accident and the animal escaped, a false report was made to report that it had died. The managers are being brought up on charges, and the lion is being sent to a zoo in Utah. No citizens have been officially reported to be harmed in the incident.
ASK THE CITIZENS:
Our reporting team went around Haven, stopping people on the street and wanting to know quite simply: What's YOUR favorite thing about Haven?
"The fine dining." - Garret Braem, 21
"I'd have to say the people who live here. It's the only small town in the world where you can bump elbows with fashion models, movie stars, writers, and heirs to foreign monopolies. It makes being a kid in a dinky town doable." - Nicolas Hue, 13
"The weather, definitely." - Mali Suttiku, 18
"The sexy reporters." - Arcas Jagger, 21
"My favorite thing about Haven is how beautiful it looks at sunrise when the mists roll out of the forest and into the streets." - Heironomos Apostolos, 24
"Garret. And Sam." - Hayley Braem, 19
"I like the peace and quiet." - Steve 'Steevo' Turchek, 42
WEEKLY HAVEN CITIZEN SPOTLIGHT: Guy Froste
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A professional-quality photograph has been inserted on the page:
This tall, broad-shouldered Caucasian man stands stoically in front of an eggshell white wall, one eyebrow cocked and a half-smile on his face. His brown hair is cropped into a neat military fashion. Matching keen eyes gaze directly into the camera with trimmed stubble dotting his strong jawline. A star-shaped badge issued from the Haven Sheriff's department hangs to mid-chest from a chain around his neck. His clothing is clean, a casual and rugged mix of fitted attire: washed blue jeans, a navy blue t-shirt, brushed suede oxford shoes and a designer watch. He leans partially on an elegant rosewood cane topped with an etched and realistic silver raven feather, holding it in a manner which favors his right side.
Name: Guy Froste
Occupation: Deputy in the Haven Sheriff's Department
A Haven local, Guy Froste has had his share of travelling around the States. A proud veteran, he served as a U.S. Army Rangers for three years, specializing in demolitions. He was medically discharged on account of a knee injury he incurred in Afghanistan. Surprisingly, this handsome and accomplished man is only twenty-one years old and our town has been lucky that he returned to Haven just three weeks ago to serve as a Deputy in the Haven Sheriff's Department.
Q: Do you have any long-term goals since joining the HSD, Deputy? If so, would you mind sharing with the world what they are?
A: I need to shave. [muttering] Maybe one day become the Sheriff of this place. Really... most of my goals have been short term. Help out anybody that needs it. I plan on making a generous donation to the YMCA when my next trust fund check rolls in.
Q: With your recent knee injury and your accomplished history, you've done a lot to which the American people are grateful for. What are YOU most grateful for?
A: I'm most thankful for my life. I've had so many near-death experiences, and it just makes me appreciate what I've got all the more, you know?
Q: To veer from serious subjects, some of our outstanding locals here are dying to know: What are the best and worst jokes you've heard about your name?
A: All the jokes I've actually heard are pretty bad. When my drill instructor found out what my name was, he asked me 'What, did you lose your [male parts]? Are you trying to compensate for something?' But really, I've [mostly] heard plays on words, you know. 'You're a good guy, Guy'. Something like that. You hear them all, it kind of gets old and you think nothing of it.
Q: And then, what are your biggest pet peeves? What weird things aside from not acknowledging the law get on your bad side, Deputy?
A:' [Without hesitation] Bullying, preying on the weak, whatever you want to call it.. I can't stand it. [He goes on to give some colorful examples that aren't appropriate for public print.] ''
Q: Any last advice or statements that you'd like to make to the Haven community, Deputy Froste?
A: Just... that if they ever need us, we're only a nine-one-one call away. And baddies beware. Something like that.
ASK APRIL ADVICE COLUMN:
Dear April,
Let's say my theoretical friend got a theoretical STI. Would so-called theoretical friend be obligated to disclose such information to his theoretical girlfriend? Theoretically?
~ Thanks, Friend-of-a-Friend.
Dear Friend-of-a-Friend,
The wonderful thing about theoretical STIs is that they're not real. The horrible thing about real STIs is that they get passed around like a smelly, neglected pair of gym socks; even when someone is smart enough to clean them, they've left a stench everywhere they've been. Suck it up, fess up, go get cleaned up and next time make a quick stop at Walgreens for a $2.99 rose and a condom. You'll be getting responsibly laid instead of being a [edited].
~ Thinking Realistically, April
CLASSIFIED ADS
- Have the urge to protect and serve? The Haven Sheriff's Department and Haven Fire Department are looking for loyal and brave men and women to serve within their ranks. We serve and protect with integrity, respect, courage and a strong sense of justice. Call the HSD or HFD today.
- Professional man looking for house, apartment or extra room to rent. Non-smoker. Would prefer no pets or kids, but will be flexible. Please text or call 1208771 with more information.
CONTACT INFORMATION
Have a story? Want to have you as a person or your place of business spotlighted on the Courier and can't wait until we come to you? Have a classified ad, an obituary, or an opening that you'd like to get in next weeks paper? Do YOU have a question for April? Look us up and let us serve you, Haven!
The Haven Courier: www.thehavencourier.com
Avery Duvall: 1209652 Caprice Walther: 1208771