Haven Courier
Peter Swann
Editor in Chief
Kevin Ferris
Advertising
Misfortune and Tragedy Befall the Inigo Family
10th of July, 2022
[Printed on the front page of the Haven Courier]
The local township of Haven is in shock as one of their treasured founding family members slips into a coma after a tragic accident just a few days ago. While the Inigo family have gone to great lengths to keep the fate of their youngst, Claudio, under wraps, we at the Courier were able to get an exclusive interview with one of his maids, who had this to say:
"Oh my gosh-- I was right there when it happened, it was just tragic. That Inigo boy, he's had the worst luck since, well. I can't really talk about that but... he was just heading out to work.. When I swear, this demon of a black cat just ran right out in front of him and he just toppled down those steps like a bloody sack of potatoes. Hit his head really hard, he did. We miss him so much, we really do. But that pretty girl of his, Heidi, she's taking -really- good care of him, you know?"
Family, friends, and locals alike have been leaving candles and ties out in front of the town hall to show their support for the Inigo family. The Mayor was unavailable for comment but at the Courier we wish him and his family the best and Claudio a speedy recovery.
[Attached to the article is a photo of an unconscious man is the intense, dark-haired princeling, known as Claudio Inigo. He is 5'10" and has warm, fawn-colored skin, dark brown hair in casual disarray and closed eyes. You can see his face, neck, forearms, and hands. He is unconscious. Right now, the princeling is pale, and signs of life absent. A wealth of medical monitoring devices surround him, keeping him alive in some state of suspended animation. In the background of the photo are a number of candles and crystals of pure, clear quartz, amethyst, and jade.]
MISLAID BABY FOUND!
In other news, local student Yawen Xia recently misplaced her baby after attending classes at Blackfield, but thankfully a helpful local was able to help reunite her with her treasured little one. At this time, police are not looking to press charges, but are questioning why they were not contacted by the distraught young mother.
[A photo of a lithe young Asian woman with elegant posture, but with puffy eyes from crying, holds a safe and sound, red-haired little baby affectionately in her arms during an emotional moment.]
by Sua Swann
Swords, Sex Toys, and Beer Oh My
26th of June, 2022
[Printed in the lifestyle section of the Haven Courier]
If you have ever wanted to do a one-stop shop for a pair of cute little side-tie panties, bondage gear, and a not at all phallic sword, then boy do I have the place for you. Not only has DevilForge Blades arrived in Haven to serve all your cosplaying weaponry requirements, but you can sip on a tankard of Weihenstephan wheat beer while you do so.
Located conveniently at 5 Devilwood Drive, DevilForge Blades has a sparring area and even takes custom orders.
Contact Scarlett Kurgan @ 710-3622 for more information.
by Sua Swann
Another Inigo Scandal Shocks Haven!
24th of June, 2022
[Printed on the front page of the Haven Courier]
Not even days after Claudio rekindled things with his loving partner, the playboy Inigo is already embroiled in a scandal that will rock the esteemed Inigo family to the core.
A young teenager who works as a veterinary assistant at Friends of Haven Animals was found drugged, bound and half naked within Claudio's Psychiatrist Office, with sexual and urinal fluids covering much of her. One of the many questions of the day is, was she the victim of assault? Or was this some weird sex game that went just a little too far for the infamous libertine hedonist?
The truth though... seems to be even more strange with messages found on the teenager's phone indicating that the Mayor's youngest was exchanging low-grade heroin in return for sexual favours that had esculated to the point where the teenagers life was at risk.
We have so many more questions. Is the Inigo family so hard up for cash that they have turned to peddling cheap drugs for favours? With clearly no concern for protection being used, just how many sexual diseases has the young Inigo caught? Or passed on to this innocent teenager? Or his partner? Will she stay with him or is this the final nail in that coffin that is their relationship?
Will this be the rock bottom that will see Claudio finally turn his life around? Or is there further yet for him to fall?
[...]
We have reached out to the Mayor for comment but have not yet received a statement.
[This photograph is taken within the psychiatrists office in Blackfield, a standing screen of hinged plastic panels divides this space from its neighbour to the east, on wheels for ease of manipulation and resituating. The walls are painted a dull pea green and the floor is coated with a lustreless pistachio linoleum save for the sitting area, which is demarcated by a cut square of washed-out sisal carpet. Harsh fluorescent lighting cuts down from lateral tubes overhead, but a warmer, softer, shaded floor lamp beside the armchair stands ready to substitute.
The image of a golden haired user is partially censored but still shows an unhealthy slim figure that looks miserable. She seems to have been bound with her hands tied behind her back and in a state of dishevelled mess. Her pants are still down by her knees, and fluids appear to have dried in her hair in gross clumps. Her face is pixelated and obscured from ready identification, as is her chest and groin. The tape about her wrists is stretched and seems to be cutting into her skin, looking uncomfortable after whatever number of escapes she may have tried to make. ]
by Sua Swann
Date Night @ Devilwood Drive-In
18th of June, 2022
[Printed near the start of the Haven Courier, in the lifestyle section]
What was going to be a fun date night at the Drive In, had this Swann flying solo last night and arriving a little late to the showing. Not that I'm Salty. We'll save that for the popcorn, which was thrown in copious amounts at the screen as we watched probably the worst dinosaur movie of all time. But there's a certain charming delight in partaking in a shared experience like this as we cringed and rolled our eyes together in unison at all the worst bits.
But it didn't take long for the attention to shift from the screen, to something almost as exciting as I got to live out my date night vicariously through the handsome young Inigo, his rather charming partner and their adorable little one. Rumour has it he was married in secret, without the approval of his father. A real-life Romeo and Juliet story, it shows that love really does find a way even if it's in stolen moments at a Drive In watching truly horrific movies.
[This photo showcases a couple seated together at the Drive In on Devilwood, the intense, dark-haired eccentric man smiling down and pulling faces at the baby clutched by the lithe young asian woman with elegant posture. Though she only has eyes for him, the undeniable attraction and affection she has for the man radiating from her, passion on display, pupils dilated in longing and the unmistakable look of love and adoration.]
All in all, I'd give the whole experience a solid 8.5 out of ten.
by Sua Swann
[Those with a talent for the arcane might notice that the writing shimmers and shifts a little for a scant few seconds when read]
100th Anniversary for Cannibal Joe
20th of March, 2021
[Printed near the start of the Haven Courier, in the Local News section]
Most of Haven has no doubt heard of the urban legend of 'Cannibal Joe' who was trapped underground for eight days and how he consumed his workmates to persevere and live, and the ghosts of the deceased that still yet haunt the forests, searching for lost hikers to eat. But it is something we so readily dismiss as being little more than fiction. Something we tell our children to keep them out of the forest, or threaten them with if they're naughty.
And while most urban legends are more fact than fiction, this one is at least partially woven from truth. Erased from most historical records on the topic, little can be found on the Old Wilson Diggings gold prospect site located west of Haven. It's not till you talk to the locals, and view their pay slips and other mementos of great grandparents long since passed away that the truth starts to come out of its existence.
Mildred 97, tells of her father, who use to work in the mines sharing with her one drunken night that Joe didn't just survive, when he left the mine, he had put on weight. And that the desire for flesh never quite left him. Young children often went missing around Haven after that, and while he was never convicted, local gossip at the time, blamed Cannibal Joe.
Norman 91, had a father that worked in the mines and shared with us a couple of old newspaper articles that have been handed down through his family. The headlines read: "Four Men, Presumed Dead, Lost in Old Wilson Diggings", "Found! Joe Murphy, Risen From the Dead?", "Tragedy in Old Wilson Diggings", and "Joe Ate His Friends to Survive!"
Another local, Addie 95 speaks of a cousin, who went missing shortly after Joe's rescue from the mines. "She was just a wee thing, not more than eight. But she liked to wander. Always playing hide and seek in the forest. And one day, she just didn't come back. Her remains were found years later, and there were -human- bite marks on the bones. They all knew it was Cannibal Joe."
This week we acknowledge the 100th anniversary of the collapse within Old Wilson's Diggings and Cannibal Joe's rescue eight days later, and locals around town leave out bloody pick axes in front doors and in store fronts to both remember those lost and celebrate this not quite so 'urban legend'.
by Sua Swann
Eden Gardens: Oh, Yes It's Ladies Night!
18th of March, 2021
[Printed near the start of the Haven Courier, in the lifestyle section]
You know when one of the families host an event it's going to be good. And Bellamy's Ladies Night at his very own Garden of Eden will be no exception. He has a spectacular line up playing tribute to all things women for Women's History month. Showing off a wealth of amazing female performers and artists and set in the dramatic backdrop of his water garden and highlighted by state of the art lighting. It's all just a little bit extra but I'm in love 😍 with it all.
There's a dance floor for those who want to get their groove on, but chill out zones for guests that want somewhere quiet to retreat to for a chat, cigar or make-out session. I was lucky enough to get the opportunity to taste test of some of the cocktails and food on offer and boy are we in for a treat. I recommend giving the unicorn kiss and the mermaid in the tropics a go, or if you're the driver for the evening, the raspberry lemonade is refreshing. But it's not at all surprising given that Bellamy has brought in Haven's very own Spring to craft the menu.
Starting at 8pm on Friday the 26th of March, the opening event will be running till late. There's a cover charge of $10 for the men. Women, and anyone in a dress, will have the cover charge waived.
Eden Gardens is the quintessential destination for your next night out. Whether you’re celebrating your hen’s night or just planning that well overdue catch-up with the girls, Eden Gardens has you covered.
Location: 89 Elm's Bane, Haven.
by Sua Swann
Haven's Best Kept Secret:
Midnight in the Garden of Weeden
12th of March, 2021
[Printed near the start of the Haven Courier, in the lifestyle section]
Locals of Haven all have their favourite shops, bars and clubs and I don't think it's any secret that Nymph's Rest is up there in my top five. But sometimes even the locals do not know of the hidden gems that are in their midst. For the intrepid shopper with a taste for adventure, stepping through the gates of normality and outside of your comfort zone can bring you a whole new world of experiences.
If you are dedicated enough to navigate the dirt lanes that wind their way through the outer forests of Haven, and head down to the very end of little known road known as South Karlash, you will find Midnight in the Garden of Weeden.
After you duck through the twisted wrought iron archway, you're met with a leather awning stretched beneath the boughs of a massive oak at the center of the garden. Abundant greenery springs to life and surrounds a counter dealing in exotic elixirs and paraphernalia. A lush, wildflower strewn lawn plays host to natural seating and stone monoliths. The gloomy and almost gothic charm of this secluded garden oasis will draw you in for a drink of mead or wine, and leave you roaming through the nooks and crannies of the labyrinth hedge maze for hours to come.
Highlights: The hemp infused wine is smooth and light, and the perfect accompaniment to your laid back evening in this beer garden, while the wildflower mead is surprisingly vibrant and spicy. And if you're looking for something more exotic, try the nepenthe or the mushroom tea.
by Sua Swann
Mentally Ill and Erratic Local Man Murdered
26th of February, 2021
[Printed near the start of the Haven Courier, in the opinion piece section.]
Rex Riptide grew up on the wrong side of the law, even as a young child he was known as something of a troublemaker in his local village near Kyoto. Abandoned by his family and society, is it any surprise that he turned to stealing and drugs just to survive? And at such a young age the drugs had a significant effect on his mental instability as he grew and developed and his erratic demeanor only worsened.
[...]
Eventually he arrived in Haven, and myself and many others got the opportunity to get to know the man who tended to go by his surname, 'Riptide'. He was largely socially incompetent, and prone to volatile behaviour. And it is this volatile behaviour that saw Rex Riptide assaulting local man, Brandon Shen on the 30th of January, 2021. Rex was easily caught at the scene, detained and executed there on the spot by a local security officer, Naur Navvere.
Society has failed Rex Riptide time and time again. And even in death, he has not found justice. Due to a technicality, there was no arrest. There was no trial. She was not fired from her position, nor was there even a suspension without pay. Even worse? The security firm that hires Naur Nevvere, often nicknamed locally as 'The Order' promoted her.
Is this another example of racism? Injustice against the mentally ill? Or is this another example of how society as a whole treats the more marginalized members of our society.
Send in your thoughts for publication in 'Your View' to: 710-0838 or by email to sua@havencourier.org.
by Sua Swann
Lint's Valentine's Wrecking Ball
@ Crimson Curtain Theatre
9th of February, 2021
[Printed near the start of the Haven Courier, in the lifestyle section.]
WHEN: 6pm, 14th of February
WHERE: In the Auditorium of The Crimson Curtain Theatre
TICKETS: $20 each for entry and 1 raffle ticket (additional tickets $10)
CHARITY: All proceeds will help provide humanitarian relief, contributing to a winter survival fund for refugee children in Syria.
Whether you're looking for love and single and ready to mingle or are looking for an out of the box fun Valentine's Day night fun for you and your partner, cupid Billy's arrow will be firmly pointed in the direction of Lint's Valentine's Wrecking Ball.
This Valentine's Day night, Lint is putting on the most EPIC of Balls! The Auditorium will undergo a full venue transformation, and we'll be setting the dial to sexy and saucy!
The Wrecking Ball event promises to be an unforgettable night:
- Billy, booze, buffalo wings, beats, and booty!
- Sashay down the runway in your finest for the chance to win Belle and Beau of the ball!
- Enter the raffle for a chance to win the special mystery package!
- Compete in a sledgehammer showdown and trash the theatre at the end of the night!
Gather your single mates, organise that double date night or just come experience something a little wild and free!!
by Sua Swann
Social Event of the Season:
Magic and Monsters @ Nymph's Rest
7th of February, 2021
[Printed near the middle of the Haven Courier, in the lifestyle section.]
The season is not yet over, but I feel confident in calling last week's party at the Nymph's Rest Gentleman's Club, hosted by our very own Solomon Inigo, the highlight of it.
Nymph's Rest Gentleman's Club was packed with an intriguing mix of clientele, from some of Haven's finest represented with the Arkwrights and the Swanns to your typical everyday creepy uncle-type punter and everything in between. The crowd was fairly evenly split gender wise, and I was happy to spot more than a few male dancers making the rounds and on the stage.
And, aside from a self proclaimed male 'prude', everyone had a good time. Even Doctor Arkwright was seen sporting a certain very naked male Swann in his lap for much of the night, much to the chagrin of more than a few admirers watching on.
We had Lotus showing off her scintillating hip grinding skills, while Eliza displayed her rather daring thong and discussed her plans to one day open up a bakery. Romeo was all charm, popping pretty pink pills into people's mouths, between compliments and rocking those oh-so-perfect abs. Kitty was all meows and purrs and perky little buoyant breasts.
But the real star working the room was clearly Dace as she showed off just how flexible those amazing legs of hers are. It's no surprise that she soon was awash with bills.
Even if that were all, it would have been a fun night out; immoral, wanton and entirely decadent even. But Solomon Inigo has never been one to do things by halves, and this party was no exception. Smoke machines and dim lighting set the stage, and we were collectively hypnotised by the seductive vampiress, spelled by the fairy queen and riveted by the eternal battle between angel and demon.
And by the end of the night? Few of us wanted to go home. And I imagine there were more than a few punters, eager to audition for a spin on the pole or some one-on-one exotic dancing classes, leaving with their pockets empty and blissfully happy all the same.
Solomon promised us a night we will never forget, and delivered it on all levels.
by Sua Swann
VALENTINE'S DAY BALL
Local charity organisation The Helping Hand will be hosting a decorus affair at Hotel Antler's Ballroom. The admission is $10 per person and all proceeds will be going to a Children's Hospital in Boston.
The dress code is semi-formal to formal, and an instrumental band will be providing the music for the evening, while Bellamy Swann (we're not sure yet if he will be clothed or not) will be the photographer on hand.
Join The Helping Hand for a night of dancing, music and connection around a cause that is close to all our hearts.
PRICE: $10 per person, tickets sold at the door
WHEN: 8pm, 14th February
WHERE: Hotel Antler's Ballroom
A Courier Guide to
Buying Jewelry for Valentines
6th of February, 2021
[Printed near the beginning of the Haven Courier, in the lifestyle section.]
Local staples like Old World Jewelers and Mandala Jewelry Designs offer plenty of beautiful and expensive pieces, but does the quality match up to the price tag? It's important to consider all the options available to ensure that such a personal way of expressing your or your loved one's style is of an appropriate caliber.
We spoke to a local expert, Jonathan Hedge, about just what we should be looking for when buying, and we asked some recent customers for their opinions.
"The first thing to be aware of, is that you can't eyeball quality. Take, for example, the gold ring with a near perfect round-cut ruby sold by Old World Jewelers. Rubies, by their very nature, tend to have numerous natural markings often requiring elaborate cuts to conceal them. Closer examination soon proves that it is, in fact, a well treated sapphire made to look more vibrant."
[...]
This seems to match up with customer opinions on yelp:
Jessica states: "You know, I used to love the place. It was elevated. Classy. Something about it just screamed elegance. But now? That place has gone down hill fast. The pair of sapphire earrings my fiance got me a few days ago? Broke after my second time wearing. Won't be going back there again."
While Jonathan had this to say: "I purchased a diamond and citrine ring combination for my girlfriend and after a few days it has turned a horrible coppery color. Please do not buy from this shop. Fake jewels."
In comparison, the sterling silver charm bracelet with pearls and rubies, sold by Mandala Jewelry Designs, passes all quality tests, and has the appropriate certification to prove that these are, indeed, the genuine article.
[...]
Customers had this to say about their products:
Jenny gushed about her necklace: "I didn't exactly give them the easiest of custom orders but they exceeded my expectations. The three tone necklace is gorgeous, and everyone who sees it has been complimenting me. Thank-you so much for making the design, through to the ordering, communication, delivery and quality… just so amazing."
While local celebrity Billy had this to say: "Bleeat bleet bleh beeeet blet naaa. Bleet blet? Bleet naa-naaa-naa blet bleat!"
And I don't know about you folks, but that endorsement from Billy is more than enough to convince me. If you want to make your girlfriend, boyfriend, fiance, husband, wife, friend, or goat swoon, visit Mandala Jewelry Designs for your Valentine's purchase.
by Sua Swann
VALENTINE'S DAY COMPETITION: WIN YOUR VERY OWN PURPLE HEART!!
A local businessperson has been kind enough to donate an absolutely gorgeous, one of a kind, intensely purple amethyst and diamond heart ring to someone who can describe, in fifty words or less, what true love means.
If this sounds like something you can do, send in your best effort via text to 710-0838 or via email to sua_swann@havencourier.org. I can't wait to see what you all can come up with.
WANTED: COMMERCIALLY ZONED PROPERTY IN HAVEN
The Moore Family Trust is eager to purchase a commercially zoned property in Haven for a business venture, and is willing to enter into negotiations with someone who is motivated to sell.
If this sounds like you? Contact Aimee-Lynn Moore on 710-1138.
Second First Date: $75 Champagne & Cheesecake
2nd of February, 2021
[Printed near the beginning of the Haven Courier, in the lifestyle section.]
While I have been on very few (okay none that I can remember) dates, I feel like I'm qualified enough to give my opinion on how well it went, given the wealth of movies, television shows and media that constantly bombard us with the ideal. And while you might think it is unfair to hold any poor schmuck that takes me out to such impossible standards, really would it be half as entertaining if I did not?
And while I was going to write up a lovely and witty story, about how the evening went, the editor-in-chief insisted that we instead go for a more youth angle with a quick Q&A session. He provided the questions. I'm sorry.
What were you hoping for? Anything that didn't end with his **** inside someone else, ideally.
First impressions? Very present. Handsome, expensively and very well dressed. Polite and had impeccable manners. Picked me up in his fancy car, opened car doors for me, pulled out chairs. Chivalry is not dead.
What did you talk about? We discussed our past history together, the food, the champagne, founding family responsibilities, our work and what we're both looking for.
Any awkward moments? People coming by the restaurant and rubber-necking to get a good look at him. I mean, not that I blame them, he is awfully pretty and well sought after in Haven. But for the night, he was mine.
Good table manners? Very good. He kept my champagne glass topped up, provided me with tasty cheesecake, made lots of eye contact.
Best 3 things about your companion? Intense, quietly confident and smart.
Would you introduce him to your friends? I think he already knows most of my friends.
What do you think he made of you? He said I'm like the bassline of his favorite song. Think that was his way of saying he likes my ass.
Did you go on somewhere? Absolutely none of your business, Peter.
Did you kiss? I swear, Peter, still none of your business.
If you could change one thing about the evening, what would it be? Diamonds. I feel like everything is better with a diamond or two, even first dates.
Marks out of 10? 9/10
Would you meet again? Absolutely.
by Sua Swann
Mental Health Week: The Art of Self Love
In celebration of Mental Health Awareness Week the local social services department will be hosting a small gathering at Black Rose Book Store. This event focuses on an important aspect in one's journey of discovery of mindfulness: self-compassion or self love.
Guests are encouraged to come with an open mind and willingness to participate in the outlined activities. Refreshments will be provided.
Questions regarding the event and activities can be directed toward the coordinator, Noelle Swann, via phone: XXX-710-1228 or email: nswann@madhhs.gov
When? Saturday, 6th of Feb at midday.
Struggling to Breathe
1st of February, 2021
[Printed near the middle of the Haven Courier, in the lifestyle section.]
There's a sort of persistent tiredness, when you're struggling to keep above water, a feeling of a persistent weight. It starts at your shoulders sometimes, or it's a hollowness that is in your chest. It's constantly carving you out, leaving you raw, until Days become unappealing.
Soon, it's trying to stay awake, it's trying to feel like you can let people close. It's trying to look at yourself in the mirror and say I'm wonderful, I'm worth something, I matter. All these things sound ridiculous to many; because, many have bad days, they have great days, but most days are a persistent level of normal.
But for those with depression, good days are too good to be true, and the crash leaves you struggling to breathe. It's the difference between making that effort to get out of bed, shower and be put together, and build up your confidence, and letting it slip away.
To the outside world, to those who can swim great across life's troubled waters, the people who struggle, who gasp, and choke on the water that threatens to pull them under can be a burden, they can be not cool enough, not together enough. It leaves family, friends, co-workers fatigued just trying to help.
It is critical while we focus this week on being mindful of mental health, that we remember, while struggling to breathe isn't easy, it's doable. It's attainable.
I encourage those who feel fatigue, loneliness, pointlessness, or a combination of these symptoms to take time to examine themselves, ask for help, and continue to look forward I have felt this kind of struggle, and while it may never go away, there are things that can be done to help make it so you can swim instead of sink.
Resources are available for you through counselling, through doctors. Social programs are out there to let you talk, and let you be heard.
Remember to be mindful of your mental health.
Sincerely, Bellamy Swann
The Phillips family, in conjunction with Layla Gordon, has opened a new, chic little cafe on Main.
They’re calling it Delish, and reviews so far are saying it’s exactly that. Serving up both savory and sweet fondue dishes, the chef on site states that when possible, each ingredient is sourced from Havenites or their families just outside of town.
Also on the premises is the bakery of Mrs. Gordon, and it will be serving up the best tasting and prettiest confections Haven’s ever seen. The space is perfect for a casual date night, can be rented for larger events, and Layla can whip up a cake for any event you need.
The Winner of The Great Pineapple War of 2021
23rd of January, 2021
[Printed near the middle of the Haven Courier, in the lifestyle section.]
Haven has spoken! Luigi's Pop-Up Pizza came out on top with three times the profit of Mario's, securing a win for all pineapple on pizza lovers everywhere.
But we feel like this isn't the end of this war. Lines have been drawn, ditches have been dug, relationships have ended. It's not over yet folks. Pineapple might have won the fight today, but it's a long way to go before it wins the pineapple war.
The Phillips family, in conjunction with Layla Gordon, has opened a new, chic little cafe on Main.
They’re calling it Delish, and reviews so far are saying it’s exactly that. Serving up both savory and sweet fondue dishes, the chef on site states that when possible, each ingredient is sourced from Havenites or their families just outside of town.
Also on the premises is the bakery of Mrs. Gordon, and it will be serving up the best tasting and prettiest confections Haven’s ever seen. The space is perfect for a casual date night, can be rented for larger events, and Layla can whip up a cake for any event you need.
A Grand Opening with free tastings is slated for January 30th.
By Sua Swann
Advertising Rates
Why Pineapple Belongs on Pizzas
17th of January, 2021
[Printed near the middle of the Haven Courier, in the lifestyle section.]
This week in the lifestyle supplement of Haven Courier, we aim to try and solve the age old problem of whether pineapple belongs on pizza or not. The debate having been brought to a head in our local community with the opening of two new pizzerias on the north side: Luigi's and Marios.
Marios is a little more traditional as you might expect from a pizzeria claiming to be pineapple free, while Luigi embraces it's hipster vibe and boldly and proudly shows off it's pineapples.
A Greek immigrant by the name of Sotirios "Sam" Panopoulosis widely thought to have been the inventor of the Hawaiian pizza in 1962 and died not understanding why his creation caused so much controversy. And I admit, I do sympathise with the guy. Most do not think twice about tacos al pastor or spit roast pork with rings of grilled pineapple.
In a recent survey conducted by Time Magazine, a number of pineapple on pizza haters, lovers and a smattering of those in between were brought together for a taste testing. And remarkably, the majority of those that came in with strong claims of dislike, found themselves enjoying it, and making comments like: "I was worried this would happen. This is actually pretty good," and "This isn't as bad as I remembered tasting."
It seems that much of the hatred for pineapples on pizza has come about not from a genuine dislike of the taste, but rather another bandwagon for people to jump on and dislike each other for, brought about by memes and internet videos. A safe way to bond together as a tribe over a mutual dislike for an inanimate object.
But as well, some people have been burned by poor execution of it, where thick chunks of sugary sweet pineapple have been dumped on strips of ham and cheese. The truth of the matter is, if you hit that amazing cosmic balance between salty, sweet and savoury elements, pineapple pizza isn't just good. It's pretty bloody amazing.
With Valentines Day just under a month away...
... it's time to start thinking about what to get the woman, man or goat in your life. And what better way to show them just how special they are to you than a bottle of exquisite perfume from The Fragrant Tree?
And our top three picks? For men, Myrrh and Tonka by Jo Malone. For women, Viper Green by Ex Nihilo and for your favourite goat in your life? Fucking Fabulous by Tom Ford of course.
The Fragrant Tree: 63 Beech Street, Haven.
By Sua Swann
Advertising Rates
That FISH Thing
15th of January, 2021
[Printed near the middle of the Haven Courier, in the local news section.]
The meeting drew quite a large number of locals to the Hometown diner and began on a light note, with chipmunky helium voices brought about by delightful tentacle-dangling purple helium squid balloons and many in the crowd admiring one of the local Deputies. Attention in parts of the diner soon shifted to someone that was referred to simply as 'that hot uncle', though we were not able to identify this mystery man from amongst the crowd.
Once things got underway, a chirpy redhead woman took to the mic first, quickly educating us on the meaning of the FISH thing. And I think there were more than a few disappointed locals who were expecting free seafood baskets, and instead learned that it stood for: Friends Intent on Saving Haven. A group focused on ensuring the natural fish resource out in the bay is not put at risk, and the incomes of so many locals remains secure. And while you might be quick to dismiss this as something that doesn't effect you in your job at the checkout, or at one of the many local strip clubs, it's these fishermen that drive the economy in Haven. If they're not earning a profit, we're not either.
Powerpoint slideshows and various graphs were thrown up for everyone to see, and all of them painting a very grim picture: Haven is in trouble. After the recent storms, the fish numbers have dropped drastically and have not yet recovered, and no one quite knows why. And with so many lives lost in the storm, the fishing community is still reeling and needs your help. It needs the help of whole of the Haven populace.
They are after donations to help support the surviving families who have lost their loved ones to the storm and help tide over the fishing community till the fish stocks have been restored. And they need able bodied women and men to help them investigate and discover exactly what's going on out there.
Link To GoFundMe Page - Link To Signup Page
The evening finished with Bo playing a haunting song on his ukelele.
Out along the harbour reach
Boats stand dried up on the beach
Ghost-like in the early dawn
Empty, now the fish are gone.
What will become of people now?
Try to build a life somehow
Hard, hard times are back again
No more fish, no fishermen.
With Valentines Day just under a month away...
... it's time to start thinking about what to get the woman, man or goat in your life. And what better way to show them just how special they are to you than a bottle of exquisite perfume from The Fragrant Tree?
And our top three picks? For men, Myrrh and Tonka by Jo Malone. For women, Viper Green by Ex Nihilo and for your favourite goat in your life? Fucking Fabulous by Tom Ford of course.
The Fragrant Tree: 63 Beech Street, Haven.
By Sua Swann
Advertising Rates
Official Public Warning
6th of January, 2021
[Printed near the back of the Haven Courier, in the gossip section.]
We're not ones to gossip Courierettes (I jest, this is the gossip column after all!) but in some instances things need to be said for the good of the community. Take it is an official sleaze warning from one woman to all of woman-kind: Don't fall for those Irish charms. Don't get lost in those malachite green eyes. Nor his pretty face, or built form. It's not worth it. Unfortunately our lawyers prevent us mentioning names, but there's few enough Irish soulless ginger gits in town that I know you can work it out.
Why? He just wants to take you to bed. And he will lie, and cheat to do so. Chances are, he's got a girlfriend, probably several, but he won't tell you that. And if you think you're one of the lucky ones, that you're special. That he won't do that to you, smarten up. Take note of the fact that he's never really that affectionate with you in public. Or how he never introduces you as his girl to his friends, who don't even seem to know you're a thing. It's all so he can continue playing the field.
But chances are you are going to make excuses for his actions. And you're not ready to hear this yet. Regardless though, when it goes bad, we're here for you. There's many of us now, you could say an army even. And it won't be long before he runs out of women in this small town.
Haven Residents, protect yourself from flu this fall and winter with a flu vaccine.
While getting a flu vaccine will not protect against COVID-19, it can protect you from becoming sick with flu and needing medical care. Flu is another serious respiratory illness that can cause missed work, hospitalizations, and, in some cases, even death. The combination of flu and COVID-19 could easily overwhelm our healthcare facilities.
Protect yourself, your family, and your community from flu by getting vaccinated.
Book your appointment with Doctor Arkwright today: 710-1100
By Sua Swann
Advertising Rates
Meet Your Final Bachelors Part V
4th of January, 2021
[Printed near the back of the Haven Courier, in the lifestyle section.]
Okay beautiful people, our local Fisherman Jake, is unwilling to go up against Billy, the favourite, and has dropped out of the contest, leaving just our final contestant, Richard. Keep your eyes posted for the posters around town, there will be a notice up soon for the reveal party, where we learn just who you decided wins!
Richard
[The profile is headed up by a photo of a strawberry blond man with a short haircut in his early twenties and wearing an open black overcoat, both hands tucked into the front pocket of his jeans]
Richard is a honest, easy-going local Amish man, who wants a woman that's just as straight-laced and natural as he is. Forget about makeup or jewelry, he wants you to embrace the natural hairy you. But not too much hair mind you. Wouldn't want to mistake you for a werewolf or bear or something. And while I'm sure that you're enamoured with his profile so far, ladies. He's got one critical failing point in my books: He doesn't like cats. I can practically hear you all collectively gasp: Who doesn't like cats? Well. This guy doesn't.
So if you're more of a dog person, this Amish guy just might be for you.
Text RICHARD to vote for Haven's favourite Amish guy when voting lines open.
And with this publication, the voting lines will be open to text your favourite. So to recap, here are your Bachelors:
Text ZIGGY to vote for Haven's resident bad boy.
Text KENJI to vote for Haven's token Japanese guy.
Text SEAN to vote for Haven's soulless ginger git.
Text BILLY to vote for Haven's favourite goat.
Text MATTIEU to vote for Haven's favourite Cajun chef.
Text ALESSIA to vote for the token woman candidate.
Text CHITTE to vote for Haven's favourite old man.
Text RICHARD to vote for Haven's favourite Amish guy.
TEXT YOUR VOTE TO: 710-1155.
One vote per phone number used. Voting texts charged at $10 each.
[OOC: Characters are welcome to, and encouraged to cheat. Make use of your skills to secure extra votes, roleplay it out, and then submit an ooc note to me with a paragraph or two about what you're doing. Financial bribes welcome!]
Haven Residents, protect yourself from flu this fall and winter with a flu vaccine.
While getting a flu vaccine will not protect against COVID-19, it can protect you from becoming sick with flu and needing medical care. Flu is another serious respiratory illness that can cause missed work, hospitalizations, and, in some cases, even death. The combination of flu and COVID-19 could easily overwhelm our healthcare facilities.
Protect yourself, your family, and your community from flu by getting vaccinated.
Book your appointment with Doctor Arkwright today: 710-1100
By Sua Swann
Advertising Rates
Meet Your Bachelors Part IV
3rd of January, 2021
[Printed near the back of the Haven Courier, in the lifestyle section.]
We're nearly done lovelies, and we've saved some of the best for last, and because we do not really think it's going to be fair to profile swoon-worthy Chitte alongside anyone else, he's on his lonesome. We've only got a couple more to go, and voting lines will soon be open!
Chitte
[The profile is headed up by a photo of a rugged and rowdy roughneck with riotous red hair in his fifties and wearing a leather jacket. The photo is taken showing the man holding a horn in hand, in an entirely suggestive manner.]
Wow. What-a-man, what-a-man, what-a-man. What a mighty good man. AmIright girls? Sure, Chitte's 's a little bit on the old side, and probably peaked sexually a couple of decades ago and dyes his hair… but that doesn't mean he's not a catch? And boy does he know just what to say you get a girl all moist. Of all the contestants, he was the only one who truly got me all flustered. Best pickup lines by far.
Sadly, though girls, he's only got eyes for Billy. Calling himself goat-curious, we're totally here for this budding romance between our contestants as they stare at each fondly across the meadow while doing yoga.
So if you want this mid-life-crisis-waiting-to-happen to sweep you off your feet, you're out of luck.
Everyone but Billy need not apply.
Text CHITTE to vote for Haven's favourite old man when voting lines open.
Haven Residents, protect yourself from flu this fall and winter with a flu vaccine.
While getting a flu vaccine will not protect against COVID-19, it can protect you from becoming sick with flu and needing medical care. Flu is another serious respiratory illness that can cause missed work, hospitalizations, and, in some cases, even death. The combination of flu and COVID-19 could easily overwhelm our healthcare facilities.
Protect yourself, your family, and your community from flu by getting vaccinated.
Book your appointment with Doctor Arkwright today: 710-1100
By Sua Swann
Advertising Rates
Still to come, Richard, and Jake, please contact Sua on 710-0838 when you're ready for an appointment.
Local Business In Drug Controversy
1st of January, 2021
[Printed towards the front of the Haven Courier, in the local news section.]
An unnamed informant recently told Haven Courier of her moonlight experiences at certain bar on Deadwood, relating that after having one of their martinis, she felt a bit woozy.. And everything was blank until she woke up the next day next to a woman she did not know. While another customer reported that they sell restricted drugs, right over the bar. Hype, cocaine, they have it all. We're sure the local HSD is looking into this, but for now, we recommend you give this bar, a wide berth.
[...]
More on this still developing story to come.
By Sua Swann
Advertising Rates
Meet Your Bachelors Part III
1st of January, 2021
[Printed near the back of the Haven Courier, in the lifestyle section.]
It is great sadness that I have to announce the departure of one of our favourite bachelors from the competition, Edward Grimes as he has had to unexpectedly leave town. But don't worry, we still have a healthy selection of pretty men, a goat and a woman for us to enjoy. I present to you, our next two bachelors candidates!
Mattieu
[The profile is headed up by a photo of an athletic, bronze-skinned man with blue eyes in a typical muscle man pose, shirtless and flexing a rather impressive looking bicep, pecs and abs caught mid flex in the shot.]
Like many in Haven, Mattieu is the stereotypical fun-loving guy that wants his cake and to eat it too. He wants to shack up with that special guy and cook up a storm, and take them out for romantic walks on the beach. Just that, the right kind of guy has to allow him to do whatever he wants, and not hamper his carefree ways and continue to let him plow the field of men in Haven. Sound familiar readers? But it's okay, because he's completely trust worthy.
So if you a sexy hunk of a Cajun to wrestle your gator, Mattieu just might be the guy for you.
Monogamous people need not apply.
Text MATTIEU to vote for Haven's favourite Cajun chef when voting lines open.
Alessia
[The profile is headed up by a photo of a tatted, small-statured woman in her late twenties wearing a daring a black skater-skirt dress with a plunging neckline. The shot is taken mid-spin, with the woman showing off the ink on her body]
Alessia is a bad-ass woman, with a soft side who is looking for a strong and confident partner that will treat her right, and isn't afraid to show off. She wants someone that respects her, but doesn't curse (times cursing during interview, 4). So if you don't mind a hypocritical girl that enjoys the odd fight or two, Alessia's a real sweetheart.
F***ing meek cowards and tattoo haters need not apply.
Text ALESSIA to vote for the token woman candidate when voting lines open.
We're looking for sponsors for prizes for Havens' Top Bachelor. Contact me to find out more!
By Sua Swann
Advertising Rates
Still to come, Richard,and Jake, please contact Sua on 710-0838 when you're ready for an appointment.
Collect your secret santa present by the end of the week or it will be donated to charity.
Meet Your Bachelors Part II
29th of December, 2020
[Printed near the back of the Haven Courier, in the lifestyle section.]
I swear, I have the worst job in the world: photographing a dozen tasty, half naked men and women, and getting to know them, intimately, all in the name of a good story. It's a tough job, Havenites, but someone has to do it. And I'm just willing to go that extra mile for a good story. Today's candidates include Sean and Billy. *flustery fans self*
Sean
[The profile is headed up by a photo of a fair man with coppery hair and green eyes wearing a trenchcoat and shirt. He leans one elbow on a desk, a sly smirk given to the camera with a look of mischief in his green eyes. While leaning on his elbow, he makes sure a good slice of flesh is shown where his unbuttoned shirt is and his coppery hair is draped to other side.]
Seductive hunk of a man that is Sean is looking for nothing less than perfection. He's picky girls, as he hunts for that elusive pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. He wants a special woman who is smart, charming, erudite, and funny. And like Ziggy, he's all bad boy. He wants to break you out of the prison that is your mundane and boring life, take you on a pub crawl through Dublin and steal you flowers from the gardens of Protestants.
So if you can look past that whole soulless ginger thing he's got going on, you can't go wrong with this guy, ladies.
Vapid blondes need not apply.
Text SEAN to vote for Haven's soulless ginger when voting lines open.
Princess Billy The Goat
[The profile picture shows an old goat, quite literally, in a tutu and a princess hat. He has a lengthy greying beard that extends a good length down from the end of his chin. He has intense orange eyes that stare deep into the very core of your soul. ]
Billy is an exceptionally cool goat who is not afraid of dressing and being exactly who he is: A goat. Looking positively pretty in a sparkling pink tutu, he struts the length of the meadow like he owns the place, and that's quite likely because he does. Popular with all the ladies, he's been playing the field for a while and ready to settle down.. For the right nanny. And he likes nothing more than taking the right nanny out for a spot of outdoor yoga and chasing of trespassers.
Drama queens need not apply.
Text BILLY to vote for Haven's favourite goat when voting lines open.
We're looking for sponsors for prizes for Havens' Top Bachelor. Contact me to find out more!
By Sua Swann
Advertising Rates
Interviews needed with the remaining Bachelors, Chitte, Alessia, Richard, Mattieu, Edward, and Jake, please contact Sua ASAP on 710-0838 to book an appointment.
There are still Secret Santa presents to collect, contact Sua on 710-0838 to arrange!
Meet Your Bachelors Part I
28th of December, 2020
[Printed near the back of the Haven Courier, in the lifestyle section.]
At the Courier, we've had a shocking number of men putting their names forward for the Haven's Top Bachelor competition. Attracted by the promise of fame and glory, or perhaps just wanting to get laid, we've had people from all walks of life throw their name into the Bachelor hat. And tonight, we present to you the first two to be featured, "Zigigy" Sigmund and Kenji!
Ziggy
[The profile is headed up by a photo of gangly, fair skinned fellow wearing a green army jacket and fleece lined cap. He looks caught off guard by the photo, like a deer in headlights, but still, there's something charming and almost innocent about the shot]
Ziggy isn't into goats and wants a low-maintenance pot-plant, I mean, girlfriend to share life with. But don't be fooled into thinking this one is boring and sedate, he's got a criminal past that puts him squarely in the "Bad Boy" category. Ziggy wants to take you for a ride in his van (candy optional) and drive you out into the woods (axe murdering optional) and do something fun and relaxing. He enjoys books, writing and working with clay and he's ready to re-enact that Ghost scene with you.
Needy and Narcs need not apply.
Text ZIGGY to vote for Haven's resident bad boy when voting lines open.
Kenji
[The profile is headed up by a profile of an asian man of middling height with black hair wearing a black sports jacket and crewneck t-shirt. He stands in front of a rack of weapons, one hand stroking a beard that doesn't exist in a thoughtful manner. Even weirder? His lower body has been photoshopped (badly) onto buff kangaroo showing off his pecs ]
Lovely, sweet lonely man seeks someone to help him keep his bed warm at night and make bad porn together. He's not picky, he likes them all, tall, short, dark blonde, as long as you're willing to show him a whole new world that is America. He wants to take his dream girl out to the shooting range, and then back to his place after for dinner, and star watching, or fireplace sitting. But don't be fooled into thinking Kenji is boring, he's got a few tricks with a knife up his sleeve.
Dirty thieves need not apply.
Text KENJI to vote for Haven's token Japanese guy when voting lines open.
By Sua Swann
Advertising Rates
Interviews needed with the remaining Bachelors, Chitte, Sean, Richard, Mattieu, Edward, and Jake, please contact Sua ASAP on 710-0838 to arrange.
There are still Secret Santa presents to collect, contact Sua on 710-0838 to arrange!
Super Smash Brothers Ultimate Tournament
23rd of December, 2020
[Printed near the back of the Haven Courier, in the lifestyle section.]
Tonight, Haven was host to the Super Smash Brothers Ultimate Tournament at The Retreat on DeadwoodStreet, with Cynthia and Noah on hand to help out the competitors. We had Narcolepsy, Katsuro, Richard Hertz and myself competing. Richard won the first round against Narcolepsy, though that might just have been because Narcolepsy lived up to his name and fell asleep mid-game. And tonight this was his downfall, handing over the victory to Dick.
I was able to secure a win against Katsuro who was graceful in his loss, and faced with skill that was far in excess of his own, rather than face a humiliating defeat, Richard Hertz folded. He tipped over his King, handing me the tournament. I was modest in my win, of course.
When I asked myself what I thought impacted on my success, despite having never played before, I said: "Pure skill. But I couldn't have done it without all of my supporters. I'd like to thank… Dick Hertz for recognising his superior. The Lodge, for their endless supply of shitty coffee. And Spring? for ensuring that I had the right angry frame of mind to smash those little buttons."
"As to what am I going to do with my winnings? Who couldn't resist that Totoro backpack they sell! And maybe a few comics to add to my collection too!"
[...]
By Sua Swann
Advertising Rates
This article has been sponsored by Ito Security Solutions. Ito Security Solutions provides you with range of quality combat and defensive weaponry. From excellent firearms to stunning reproduction katanas. They even do custom designs! You can find Ito Security Solutions at 44 Fleet Street.
Howl at the Moon Reopening
20th of December, 2020
[Printed near the back of the Haven Courier, in the lifestyle section.]
Howl at the Moon might sound like a cheesy Twilight spin off, but in Haven it's home to the newly opened and revamped bar and lounge on Deadwood Street. It's the perfect place to hang out when you're tired of the rustic small town charm, and want something that's a bit extra. And certainly the ostentatious Gothic architecture and Victorian furnishings will have the closet emo-goth in all of us fan-girling.
What's not to like? Wrought iron chandelier, check; mahogany panels, check; marble floor, check; dramatic lighting and fireplace? Check-check-check. I fully expected to see Meatloaf to jump from the shadows, and break out with 'Anything For Love' at any moment.
And last night, Howl at the Moon was host to a reopening event that drew quite a crowd into its exclusive backroom; standing room left only. Half horny American frat-party, half Japanese karaoke bar, the spectacular event was a gloriously fun clash of cultures, that had everyone there enjoying themselves.
For entertainment, were treated to Cameron of Nymph's Rest Gentleman's Club fame busting out some Spice Girls, creating a zigga-zag act that was difficult to follow but Gabby and her handsome companion more than rose to the challenge, channelling their inner Sonny and Cher and belting out the classic 'I Got You Babe'.
[...]
So next time you're feeling gothy. Or emo-y. Or frat-boyish. Or Karaokeish. Or Twilightish.. head down to Howl at the Moon!
And if you're looking for employment, they're currently hiring waitresses and hostesses. If you dress well and think you've got charm, contact Jacklyn on 710-1026 for more information.
By Sua Swann
This article has been sponsored by Ito Security Solutions. Ito Security Solutions provides you with range of quality combat and defensive weaponry. From excellent firearms to stunning reproduction katanas. They even do custom designs! You can find Ito Security Solutions at 44 Fleet Street.
PS. Top Bachelor competition entries will be closing on the end of the weekend. After that, we'll be interviewing and running profiles every few days and featuring your favoured picks!
Christmas Gift Ideas
17th of December, 2020
[Printed near the back of the Haven Courier, in the lifestyle section.]
With Christmas just around the corner, you don't have long to find your friends, family and loved ones that perfect gift. And to help you out, I've compiled a list of options from local stores from around Haven.
And remember, there's only one more day to get your Secret Santa name in, contact Sua via text by the end of the 17th!
$25 & Under
So you're a bit of a tightwad, or maybe this year has been tough on you and you've not got much more than a twenty to spend. Here's our top cheapskate picks under $25 from local Haven shops:
A ticket for the Rock Climbing Wall at Experience from Experience, The Gallery for $12
They say that experiences make the best gifts, but I'm not convinced, but if you're one of those people, perhaps some rock climbing might be your thing.
A bottle of Jameson's blended Irish Whiskey from Snow's Corner for $21
Because if you're not going to get them a decent gift, at least they can drown their sorrows in alcohol.
A plush grey backpack shaped to look like Totoro's head and belly from The Retreat for $25
Well, I was going to say something bad about this, but I'm struggling. This backpack is a steal at only $25. Get yours now.
$50 & Under
For under fifty, you can still show your loved ones, you care. Sort of. I mean, not enough to get them the ludicrously extravagant gift they deserve, but it's something at least?
A hematite and aquamarine beaded bracelet from Stellar's Fashion for $40
Kind of pretty. Would be better with diamonds though.
A silver heart and key charm anklet on a fine chain from Old World Jewelers for $48.75
No gem stones at all on this one. Is it even jewelry? All the same, it's not too bad. Better with a bit of sparkle though.
A four-inch clear quartz crystal ball on a wooden stand from Old Triflis for $49.99
I'm not entirely sure what you'd do with this, divine the future and determine how much of a cheapskate your partner is? Either way, it would look impressive on any desk.
$100 & Under
There's no denying that this year has been rough. But if you're the sort that hasn't done too badly, then it's your duty to help kick start the economy, support local shops and spend big on loved ones this Christmas. After all, don't they deserve it? I know I do. I'll take something with diamonds.
A vintage, black wool felt fedora with a wide brim from Schmitt Fine Apparel for $80
Who wouldn't look positively dapper in this fine piece of felt? This hat is practically magic, and somehow seems to transcend the stereotypical basement dweller that usually wears a fedora.
A bow-shaped bottle of BonBon by Viktor and Rolf from The Fragrant Tree for $95
To be honest, they had so many gorgeous smelling scents at the Fragrant Tree it was hard to pick just one. But it was hard to go past this beautiful bottle. Yes please.
A simple and masculine ring of plain, brushed tungsten from Mandala Jewelry Designs for $100
Refined, elegant and minimalistic, and the perfect gift for the man in your life.
By Sua Swann
This article has been sponsored by Ito Security Solutions. Ito Security Solutions provides you with range of quality combat and defensive weaponry. From excellent firearms to stunning reproduction katanas. They even do custom designs! You can find Ito Security Solutions at 44 Fleet Street.
Want to be a Secret Santa or become one of Haven Courier's Top Bachelors? Contact Sua on 710-0838.
PS. Top Bachelor competition will be running over the next couple of weeks, and IS open to everyone, not just men.
Monday's Lifestyle Pulse
14th of December, 2020
[Printed near the back of the Haven Courier, in the lifestyle section.]
1 Tis The Season: While there's a few Secret Santas going around, Haven Courier is keen to offer those that haven't yet gotten in on the action (or perhaps want to cheat on their current one) the opportunity to put their name in the hat for a Secret Santa gift.
The rules? Text Sua with your name and three random things about you. Spend limit? $20.
Be fast, because in 3 days, we'll text you the details about you are buying for and send your details to your secret Santa. Once you're done, drop your labelled gifts off at the Courier for delivery.
2 Become Our Top Bachelor! Haven Courier is looking for eligible bachelors to feature in an upcoming article. Are you single and looking to mingle? Contact Sua for an photography session and an interview!
3 Event of the Weekend: Dinner at Rhubarb Kitchens. Cameron hosted a delightful meet-and-greet get together that was immensely popular with the locals, attended by a wide range range of people from all walks of Haven life. We were entertained by delightful stories of bathroom window antics by Abel, and I was shocked to learn just how many residents make hasty retreats out of them to avoid being caught! And as an added bonus? Free bread! Can't go wrong with free bread!
4 Found on Elm Street: One small kitten as black as the void. No microchip, no collar. Could it be your missing feline? Contact Sua to find out.
5 Upcoming Event Not To Be Missed: Super Smash Brothers Ultimate Tournament! Being held at Retreat Gaming on Deadwood Street on Monday, the 21st of December at 7pm. And with prizes like Nintendo Switches and $100, it's bound to attract its fair share of gamer girls and boys.
By Sua Swann
Want to be a Secret Santa or become one of Haven Courier's Top Bachelors? Contact Sua on 710-0838.
Blackfield Students Out of Control?
13th of December, 2020
[Printed near the back of the Haven Courier, in the local news section.]
An incident of student violence attracted the attention of the local Haven Sheriff's Department yesterday when a fight spilled from Blackfield Institute and out onto Warden's Way.
The two unidentified youths were described as an auburn haired, Asian male student in a fur coat, and a female student with a pixie-cut in a wool great coat. Accusations of racism and fists were flying between them, and there was no clear winner, with them both quickly scampering off to the Institute when Sheriff Gordon broke things up and made them see some sense.
I spoke to a nearby shop owner who witnessed the incident and voiced her concerns. "I thought Blackfield were supposed to keep them -off- the streets!"
While another remarked, "Teenagers sometimes need to teach bullies a lesson. Nothing wrong with a bit of fisticuffs. Boy, the fights I got into in my day let me tell you! And from the look of things that bonnie lass was kicking that boy's ass!"
Another witness commented, given the incident unfolded in front of a Sheriff: "Wow, they... don't really teach common sense do they?"
[...]
What has yet to be seen, is this an isolated incident? Or are Blackfield students out of control?
My Evening at a Small Town Strip Club
8th of December, 2020
[Printed near the back of the Haven Courier, in the entertainment section.]
Over the last few years, strip clubs have had a progressive downturn in business, and the rise of Covid 19 hasn't helped venues any, with many struggling to stay a float, or even closing down.
So when I was tasked with writing about The Nymph's Rest for the Haven Courier, I don't know quite what I was expecting. But rather than a strip club toiling and trying too hard to get punters in by pretending to be something that it's not, the Nymph's Rest embraces it's inner sleaze. There's no fancy fittings, nor an overly ornamented décor. Even the dancers themselves are not particularly exceptional in appearance.
Instead they look entirely normal; like somebody you went to school with. That girl at work you've had a crush on. Or your friend's big sister. But don't get me wrong, this is not a criticism, but a commendation. There's just something that is particularly captivating about a normal woman, owning her body, and showing it off with an empowering confidence and skill to match. Both the dancers on the stage during my time there wowed the audience.
And I'm sure that's why on a Monday night, at one in the morning, the place wasn't sparse, but bustling with people. And while the vast majority of them were those creepy-uncle sorts that we all seem to have at least one of in the family, there were a few women there too either curious (like me) or with nothing better to do on a Monday night, and even a few there to enjoy the show.
[...]
So perhaps next time you're staring at the television and watching Dawson's Creek reruns, bored out of your mind, you might want to head down to the Nymph's Rest, for something a little different.
Want your business featured in the Haven Courier? Contact Sua? on 710-0838.